Let me start this off by saying this new layout thing was an accident. I don't know how I did it and I don't know how to change it, so I guess it's good it's not that bad. Anyway.
I have made a resolution for fall semester: no boys. I'm not saying no boys will be in my life; I have many guy friends and I'm not just going to get rid of them. But that's it. Friends. I am NOT going to let myself fall for any of said guy friends or develop crushes on new guys or any of my usual tricks. No over-analyzing perfectly harmless smiles that have no meaning besides, "That was silly. We're friends." No hoping and wishing and dreaming and praying for things that I know, deep down, are not going to happen. I can't keep doing that to myself.
Oh, please, you might be saying to yourself. YOU, Mar? No crushes? Yes, me. No crushes. I am determined and I'm nothing if not stubborn. I think it'll be good for me. I can just relax and be friends and not try to impress anyone. And, as a result, I can just CALM DOWN about everything and not get emotionally attached to people who are not emotionally attached to me. It will be so much healthier.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Blogging is obviously not one of my talents. Apparently I only use this thing to vent. Sorry to anyone who has to read all those. I promise I have fun and love my life and am very blessed and all that jazz. I need to vent though. I'll mix good things in, too.
--Shooting guns is fun, and I am lucky to have good ol' country boys as my friends who have guns and are willing to take me shooting and let me waste their shells. I cannot hit a moving target to save my life (I really doubt that will ever be necessary to save my life, luckily), but I'm not too bad at blowing the branches off bushes. Sorry, nature.
--I've been pretty into Bob Marley lately. Just his music, not his drugs or hairstyle. Unsanitary.
--I am tan. Not really tan compared to many other people, but tan compared to my winter-self, which is always a fun thing. I've actually had several people comment on it, and the other day I was the tannest person out of our group of blonde, blue-eyed Aryans. Thank you very much!
--Sometimes I really hate girls. Why are they so mean to each other? And by that I mean: why do they always have to try to steal the boy I want? Especially when they are one of my really good friends and know better than anyone how much I like said boy? And why is it the girls who do that are always the ones who seem to have some kind of magnetic device that attracts all boys to them, no matter what, so even if he wanted to resist her wiles and pick me he would be powerless to do so?
--I also sometimes really hate boys. Why does it not matter if you've been friends for a long time and hang out every day and talk about everything and are super close? Why do they always choose some girl they barely know just because of that stupid magnet thing, even though she's way too young for them and way too high maintenance for them and doesn't even like the same music they do, for CRYING OUT LOUD??! And why do some boys who have been your best friend for 7 months and cuddle with you and call you every other day and have sisters you hang out with and get along with really well have to start dating someone else and then ask you for advice about it? Or boys you wrote to every week for their whole mission and sent packages to on their birthdays get home and start dating someone else and tell you they hope it works out with that girl because she was the only one who wrote to him who he "saw any potential with." That part is definitely not fun.
--It's finals week. I finished a paper today, have 8 more pages of another paper to write, haven't studied even one second for my anatomy and physiology final tomorrow, and have to take a final at 7 am on Friday. Why on Earth does a final exam at 7 am even EXIST? That's disgusting. My brain is supposed to be on and writing essays about value theory ethics and consequentialism at 7 in the morning? Yeah, right.
--I've decided to move to a different apartment complex after fall semester. That's a huge deal for me. I've never moved. I have lived in the same complex for the entire 3 years I've been in college, and I've been in the exact same apartment for over a year now. I don't deal with change well, which is why I need to do it. I am scared, even though it's really not that big a deal.
--My brother is getting married. Weird. I am going to have a sister-in-law. And I've never met her. So strange. And I admit I was upset at first. Working on that.
--I teach the students I tutor about time management. I am a hypocrite. Luckily they don't know that.
--Seriously, I'm mad about my roommate trying to hork my man. I've been seething about it all weekend and specifically all day yesterday and today. Plus when stuff like that happens I tend to back off rather than fight harder for him, so I haven't talked to him in like two days, which is actually not normal for us and is making me more upset. Oh, what a mess. I denounce men from here on out. I'm moving to the moon and my law degree will have to keep me warm at night, until I'm an actual lawyer and pay off my student debts and can afford a fancy heater. And then we'll see who's laughing when I'm rich and have a yacht and buy my own small island with the money I'm saving due to my large income and expenses of only one person and possibly some cacti (no cats because I hate them), which are the ideal plant because they are actually better off if you leave them to their own devices.
--I suddenly just caught a very strong whiff of skunk coming through my open window. Gag.
--I'm going home for 7 weeks and have no idea if I have a job or anything. I emailed the supervisor at the bank and haven't heard back. That will be an extremely long 7 weeks if I have no job. Not to mention the fact that I will end up being a bum and not getting to eat in the fall as a trade-off for having a place to live.
Bitterness over. Time for bed. I need to finish my paper and take my tests and pack up what I'm taking home for 7 weeks and clean...but it's 11:06 and that's actually half an hour later than I usually stay up.
--Shooting guns is fun, and I am lucky to have good ol' country boys as my friends who have guns and are willing to take me shooting and let me waste their shells. I cannot hit a moving target to save my life (I really doubt that will ever be necessary to save my life, luckily), but I'm not too bad at blowing the branches off bushes. Sorry, nature.
--I've been pretty into Bob Marley lately. Just his music, not his drugs or hairstyle. Unsanitary.
--I am tan. Not really tan compared to many other people, but tan compared to my winter-self, which is always a fun thing. I've actually had several people comment on it, and the other day I was the tannest person out of our group of blonde, blue-eyed Aryans. Thank you very much!
--Sometimes I really hate girls. Why are they so mean to each other? And by that I mean: why do they always have to try to steal the boy I want? Especially when they are one of my really good friends and know better than anyone how much I like said boy? And why is it the girls who do that are always the ones who seem to have some kind of magnetic device that attracts all boys to them, no matter what, so even if he wanted to resist her wiles and pick me he would be powerless to do so?
--I also sometimes really hate boys. Why does it not matter if you've been friends for a long time and hang out every day and talk about everything and are super close? Why do they always choose some girl they barely know just because of that stupid magnet thing, even though she's way too young for them and way too high maintenance for them and doesn't even like the same music they do, for CRYING OUT LOUD??! And why do some boys who have been your best friend for 7 months and cuddle with you and call you every other day and have sisters you hang out with and get along with really well have to start dating someone else and then ask you for advice about it? Or boys you wrote to every week for their whole mission and sent packages to on their birthdays get home and start dating someone else and tell you they hope it works out with that girl because she was the only one who wrote to him who he "saw any potential with." That part is definitely not fun.
--It's finals week. I finished a paper today, have 8 more pages of another paper to write, haven't studied even one second for my anatomy and physiology final tomorrow, and have to take a final at 7 am on Friday. Why on Earth does a final exam at 7 am even EXIST? That's disgusting. My brain is supposed to be on and writing essays about value theory ethics and consequentialism at 7 in the morning? Yeah, right.
--I've decided to move to a different apartment complex after fall semester. That's a huge deal for me. I've never moved. I have lived in the same complex for the entire 3 years I've been in college, and I've been in the exact same apartment for over a year now. I don't deal with change well, which is why I need to do it. I am scared, even though it's really not that big a deal.
--My brother is getting married. Weird. I am going to have a sister-in-law. And I've never met her. So strange. And I admit I was upset at first. Working on that.
--I teach the students I tutor about time management. I am a hypocrite. Luckily they don't know that.
--Seriously, I'm mad about my roommate trying to hork my man. I've been seething about it all weekend and specifically all day yesterday and today. Plus when stuff like that happens I tend to back off rather than fight harder for him, so I haven't talked to him in like two days, which is actually not normal for us and is making me more upset. Oh, what a mess. I denounce men from here on out. I'm moving to the moon and my law degree will have to keep me warm at night, until I'm an actual lawyer and pay off my student debts and can afford a fancy heater. And then we'll see who's laughing when I'm rich and have a yacht and buy my own small island with the money I'm saving due to my large income and expenses of only one person and possibly some cacti (no cats because I hate them), which are the ideal plant because they are actually better off if you leave them to their own devices.
--I suddenly just caught a very strong whiff of skunk coming through my open window. Gag.
--I'm going home for 7 weeks and have no idea if I have a job or anything. I emailed the supervisor at the bank and haven't heard back. That will be an extremely long 7 weeks if I have no job. Not to mention the fact that I will end up being a bum and not getting to eat in the fall as a trade-off for having a place to live.
Bitterness over. Time for bed. I need to finish my paper and take my tests and pack up what I'm taking home for 7 weeks and clean...but it's 11:06 and that's actually half an hour later than I usually stay up.
Monday, April 5, 2010
You know those moments when you're thinking about the future in relation to your own life and specifically the complications that are most likely going to arise and you start hyperventilating and getting scared and wanting to hide in your bed with your head under your covers and cuddle up to your baby blanket and your stuffed dog?
Yeah...those aren't very fun.
I had one of those days today, for a couple of reasons. Reason one was because I had to do an assignment for my class to look up grad schools and pick the top three I'm interested in. Since I'm planning on law school, I was looking at those. Apparently they're all on the east coast and cost upwards of 40,000 smackers. So I had a small freak-out over that. Reason two was it's the end of the semester and endings always make me freak out. I just don't deal with transitions very well, especially when the friend I've been spending pretty much every day with and getting super close to is graduating and going home. :( WAH WAH!
On the plus side, my missionary friend comes home in 6 weeks. :) :) :) I miss him and can't wait for him to be home and hang out with me! And when I come back to Rexburg it will be on the upward swing of the weather! Sunshine always makes everything better. Annnnd I get to go home this weekend and be with my family for a whole week! YAY!!!
Yeah...those aren't very fun.
I had one of those days today, for a couple of reasons. Reason one was because I had to do an assignment for my class to look up grad schools and pick the top three I'm interested in. Since I'm planning on law school, I was looking at those. Apparently they're all on the east coast and cost upwards of 40,000 smackers. So I had a small freak-out over that. Reason two was it's the end of the semester and endings always make me freak out. I just don't deal with transitions very well, especially when the friend I've been spending pretty much every day with and getting super close to is graduating and going home. :( WAH WAH!
On the plus side, my missionary friend comes home in 6 weeks. :) :) :) I miss him and can't wait for him to be home and hang out with me! And when I come back to Rexburg it will be on the upward swing of the weather! Sunshine always makes everything better. Annnnd I get to go home this weekend and be with my family for a whole week! YAY!!!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thoughts
I have been thinking a lot lately.
(Is this new?)
Okay, I usually think. Too much, usually. I think and worry and over-analyze. But I have been thinking about my feelings. I don't really do that very often. In fact, my motto is usually "Ignore 'em 'til they go away." If I don't dwell on my feelings I don't have to deal with them, right?
I am learning that this is unhealthy. Who knew?
Anyway, one of my feelings is of...I'm not sure how to phrase it. (I need a reverse dictionary. You know, like for when I know what I'm trying to say but don't have one specific word for it. You'd think with all the new-fangled technologies we've got these days someone could manage to invent that.) I just feel like I haven't done anything in my life. I will end up being in college for 5 years. And then I still have 3 years of law school. So, eight years of schooling.
Woop woop? No. Not a big woop. All I will have to show for all this is a piece of paper and a lot of debt.
So then I started thinking mission. That's an option.
I'd also love to go to Africa and hang out in the orphanages there. Give out vaccinations. Teach little kids how to read.
Israel will always be on my list.
I've never been to Mt. Rushmore. I've never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Lincoln Memorial or the Liberty Bell or Arlington National Cemetery or the Library of Congress or seen the original Constitution or the Rocky statue in Philadelphia. (Yes, I put Rocky on the same list as our nation's roots. Deal with it.) I want to do all these things, see all these things!
I guess that's my bucket list. Except I don't know if they're possible. American history? I may be able to tackle those. Israel? Less possible. Africa? Probably even less. I need to win a multimillion dollar court case and get money to do all these things. (And I don't mean a lawsuit for something stupid like hot coffee. I mean as a lawyer, I need to kick butt in the courtroom and argue my case and win and get a very large cut of the money.)
I don't even really know why I'm doing all this rambling. I'm in a very introspective mood lately, when I have time to stop and think--which actually isn't all that much because I have ridiculous amounts of homework these days. But all my roommates have boyfriends, so on the off chance I do have free time, I spend it alone. Wah wah.
(Is this new?)
Okay, I usually think. Too much, usually. I think and worry and over-analyze. But I have been thinking about my feelings. I don't really do that very often. In fact, my motto is usually "Ignore 'em 'til they go away." If I don't dwell on my feelings I don't have to deal with them, right?
I am learning that this is unhealthy. Who knew?
Anyway, one of my feelings is of...I'm not sure how to phrase it. (I need a reverse dictionary. You know, like for when I know what I'm trying to say but don't have one specific word for it. You'd think with all the new-fangled technologies we've got these days someone could manage to invent that.) I just feel like I haven't done anything in my life. I will end up being in college for 5 years. And then I still have 3 years of law school. So, eight years of schooling.
Woop woop? No. Not a big woop. All I will have to show for all this is a piece of paper and a lot of debt.
So then I started thinking mission. That's an option.
I'd also love to go to Africa and hang out in the orphanages there. Give out vaccinations. Teach little kids how to read.
Israel will always be on my list.
I've never been to Mt. Rushmore. I've never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Lincoln Memorial or the Liberty Bell or Arlington National Cemetery or the Library of Congress or seen the original Constitution or the Rocky statue in Philadelphia. (Yes, I put Rocky on the same list as our nation's roots. Deal with it.) I want to do all these things, see all these things!
I guess that's my bucket list. Except I don't know if they're possible. American history? I may be able to tackle those. Israel? Less possible. Africa? Probably even less. I need to win a multimillion dollar court case and get money to do all these things. (And I don't mean a lawsuit for something stupid like hot coffee. I mean as a lawyer, I need to kick butt in the courtroom and argue my case and win and get a very large cut of the money.)
I don't even really know why I'm doing all this rambling. I'm in a very introspective mood lately, when I have time to stop and think--which actually isn't all that much because I have ridiculous amounts of homework these days. But all my roommates have boyfriends, so on the off chance I do have free time, I spend it alone. Wah wah.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
iPod Shuffle Game
You put your iPod on shuffle and use the song titles as answers to the questions. Normally I wouldn't do something like this (it seems so...MySpace), but I am way bored and am avoiding all things productive.
1. If someone says "Is that okay?" you say:
"We Will Rock You," Queen. (Apparently it's not okay.)
2. How would you describe yourself?
"The Middle," Jimmy Eat World.
3. What do you look for in a guy?
"God Blessed the Broken Road," Rascal Flatts.
4. How do you feel today?
"Ain't No Mountain High Enough," Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell.
5. What is your life's purpose?
"This Is the Future," Owl City. (That gave no information whatsoever! My life's purpose is apparently to live to the future. Cool.)
6. What is your motto?
"Living On a Prayer," Bon Jovi.
7. What do your friends think of you?
"Just Go," Jesse McCartney. (Wow, so rude!)
8. What do your parents think of you?
"Ms. Independent," Ne-Yo. (Baha...considering my mom just bought the majority of my books for next semester, probably not.)
9. What do you think about often?
"I'm Not That Girl," Idina Menzel. (Ouch. Nailed me on that one.)
10. What do you think of your best friend?
"I Can't Wait to Fall in Love," Justin Timberlake. (...Awkward. I most certainly CAN wait to fall in love with you, Bakenzie. No offense.)
11. What do you think of the person you like?
"I'd Rather Be With You," Joshua Radin. (Definitely true.)
12. What is your life's story?
"You've Got a Friend," James Taylor.
13. What do you want to do when you grow up?
"Chim Chim Cheree," Mary Poppins. (A chimney sweep? Awesome! The luckiest of the lucky.)
14. What do you think when you see the person you like?
"I Want to Make It With You," Bread. (Well, that's true, though not in such schmaltzy terms.)
15. What will you dance to at your wedding?
"Weight of the World," Chantal Kreviazuk. (That would be a good one!)
16. What is your hobby/interest?
"I Walk the Line," Johnny Cash
17. What is your biggest fear?
"Cold As You," Taylor Swift.
18. What is your biggest secret?
"Running," Nik Day.
19. What do you think of your friends?
"What Hurts the Most," Rascal Flatts.
20. What song will they play at your funeral?
"I Love Rocky Road," Weird Al. (Haha! This will be fitting when I die of a heart attack at age 25 due to my ice cream addiction!)
1. If someone says "Is that okay?" you say:
"We Will Rock You," Queen. (Apparently it's not okay.)
2. How would you describe yourself?
"The Middle," Jimmy Eat World.
3. What do you look for in a guy?
"God Blessed the Broken Road," Rascal Flatts.
4. How do you feel today?
"Ain't No Mountain High Enough," Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell.
5. What is your life's purpose?
"This Is the Future," Owl City. (That gave no information whatsoever! My life's purpose is apparently to live to the future. Cool.)
6. What is your motto?
"Living On a Prayer," Bon Jovi.
7. What do your friends think of you?
"Just Go," Jesse McCartney. (Wow, so rude!)
8. What do your parents think of you?
"Ms. Independent," Ne-Yo. (Baha...considering my mom just bought the majority of my books for next semester, probably not.)
9. What do you think about often?
"I'm Not That Girl," Idina Menzel. (Ouch. Nailed me on that one.)
10. What do you think of your best friend?
"I Can't Wait to Fall in Love," Justin Timberlake. (...Awkward. I most certainly CAN wait to fall in love with you, Bakenzie. No offense.)
11. What do you think of the person you like?
"I'd Rather Be With You," Joshua Radin. (Definitely true.)
12. What is your life's story?
"You've Got a Friend," James Taylor.
13. What do you want to do when you grow up?
"Chim Chim Cheree," Mary Poppins. (A chimney sweep? Awesome! The luckiest of the lucky.)
14. What do you think when you see the person you like?
"I Want to Make It With You," Bread. (Well, that's true, though not in such schmaltzy terms.)
15. What will you dance to at your wedding?
"Weight of the World," Chantal Kreviazuk. (That would be a good one!)
16. What is your hobby/interest?
"I Walk the Line," Johnny Cash
17. What is your biggest fear?
"Cold As You," Taylor Swift.
18. What is your biggest secret?
"Running," Nik Day.
19. What do you think of your friends?
"What Hurts the Most," Rascal Flatts.
20. What song will they play at your funeral?
"I Love Rocky Road," Weird Al. (Haha! This will be fitting when I die of a heart attack at age 25 due to my ice cream addiction!)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
ABCs: C
C is for...change.
I'm not talking pocket change. (I am actually really adverse to that after working at a bank--when someone comes in with a jar of pennies, all I want to do is beat them with it.) And I'm not talking change like "Oh, I'm growing up and maturing and my life is changing!" (I'm really adverse to that, too. I like things to stay the same and I want my room to be exactly how I left it and I want my siblings to be the same height in relation to each other and myself and I don't want you to change your hair if I'm not there to see it firsthand because then it'll be this big shock the next time I see you and I'll have to adjust. Just FYI.)
I'm talking changing yourself--not because anyone else wants you to but because you want to. I'm talking finding something about your life you're unhappy about and working on it, making it and yourself as a whole better.
I've been thinking about this a lot because I have a few things I really need to work on. I have said I'm going to work on these areas more than once, but for some reason or another I tend to not do that. Mostly because I'm uncomfortable with these areas (obviously, or they wouldn't be troublesome to me).
But I am really grateful for the ability to change. It all goes back to the Atonement, as most things do--I'm glad I'm not stuck in any one mode for eternity, especially a miserable one. I'm glad that when I'm not sure what to do, I have so many avenues to turn to for direction. And I'm glad that I know I can pray for help in my changes and find it!
Maybe this should've fallen under g for grateful or b for blessings?
I'm not talking pocket change. (I am actually really adverse to that after working at a bank--when someone comes in with a jar of pennies, all I want to do is beat them with it.) And I'm not talking change like "Oh, I'm growing up and maturing and my life is changing!" (I'm really adverse to that, too. I like things to stay the same and I want my room to be exactly how I left it and I want my siblings to be the same height in relation to each other and myself and I don't want you to change your hair if I'm not there to see it firsthand because then it'll be this big shock the next time I see you and I'll have to adjust. Just FYI.)
I'm talking changing yourself--not because anyone else wants you to but because you want to. I'm talking finding something about your life you're unhappy about and working on it, making it and yourself as a whole better.
I've been thinking about this a lot because I have a few things I really need to work on. I have said I'm going to work on these areas more than once, but for some reason or another I tend to not do that. Mostly because I'm uncomfortable with these areas (obviously, or they wouldn't be troublesome to me).
But I am really grateful for the ability to change. It all goes back to the Atonement, as most things do--I'm glad I'm not stuck in any one mode for eternity, especially a miserable one. I'm glad that when I'm not sure what to do, I have so many avenues to turn to for direction. And I'm glad that I know I can pray for help in my changes and find it!
Maybe this should've fallen under g for grateful or b for blessings?
Saturday, December 12, 2009
ABCs: B
I don't necessarily like whining, but I am feeling the need to do so and what better place to do so than on my own blog?
B is for boys and also boo, because those two things go hand in hand for me lately. Usually, I do not have a problem with boys. I'm quite a fan of them, in fact. But lately, they are sucking. Hardcore. I want them all to die in a fiery plane crash. Okay, that's a little extreme. But seriously...I am tired of them. I know not ALL boys are oblivious and idiotic and go for dumb girls. I have seen some be sweet and go for good girls who are smart and fun and that helps me to not hate them. However, it appears that all the ones who go for good, smart, fun girls already have. There is an unequal distribution of good boys to good girls. Therefore, I have decided to move to the moon. I am starting a girl colony, and no boys are allowed. You'd be surprised at the number of girls who've expressed interest in this idea!
I'm just bitter because a good one I wanted chose someone else. I know, I know--I'm young, I have time, there are other fish in the sea. Blah blah blah. I know all this. It doesn't make me want to throw things and scream and kill someone any less.
(And why does the girl have to be so nice? Why does she have to smile and say hi when I see her on campus? Can't she just be horrible and mean so I don't feel bad when hatred and bitterness radiate off me? At least I can be secure in the knowledge that I am smarter than she is. But that doesn't help too much, because apparently smarts don't matter to him. Cool.)
The song that defines me right now: "I'll Think of a Reason Later" by Lee Ann Womack.
Also I am bitter because my roommate is cooking some unknown, foreign something that smells horrific. I am on the verge of gagging. All in all, not the best day I've ever had.
B is for boys and also boo, because those two things go hand in hand for me lately. Usually, I do not have a problem with boys. I'm quite a fan of them, in fact. But lately, they are sucking. Hardcore. I want them all to die in a fiery plane crash. Okay, that's a little extreme. But seriously...I am tired of them. I know not ALL boys are oblivious and idiotic and go for dumb girls. I have seen some be sweet and go for good girls who are smart and fun and that helps me to not hate them. However, it appears that all the ones who go for good, smart, fun girls already have. There is an unequal distribution of good boys to good girls. Therefore, I have decided to move to the moon. I am starting a girl colony, and no boys are allowed. You'd be surprised at the number of girls who've expressed interest in this idea!
I'm just bitter because a good one I wanted chose someone else. I know, I know--I'm young, I have time, there are other fish in the sea. Blah blah blah. I know all this. It doesn't make me want to throw things and scream and kill someone any less.
(And why does the girl have to be so nice? Why does she have to smile and say hi when I see her on campus? Can't she just be horrible and mean so I don't feel bad when hatred and bitterness radiate off me? At least I can be secure in the knowledge that I am smarter than she is. But that doesn't help too much, because apparently smarts don't matter to him. Cool.)
The song that defines me right now: "I'll Think of a Reason Later" by Lee Ann Womack.
Also I am bitter because my roommate is cooking some unknown, foreign something that smells horrific. I am on the verge of gagging. All in all, not the best day I've ever had.
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