I am awkward.

It's been, what, two months since I've updated this thing? I realize real life happens more often than once every two or three months, but I don't update it as often as real life happens. I mean, I'd have to update it every day. How exhausting. Not to mention mundane. "Just took another breath. Our house smells weird so it was mildly unsatisfactory." Thrilling. But hey, I write in my journal once a week. Okay, fine, sometimes once every two weeks. Get off my back.

Anyway, instead of talking about finishing my first semester of law school and taking finals and scrubbing the bathroom for 2.5 hours today and burning my lungs with the fumes, I thought I'd update the blogging world about my love life. Don't worry, it'll be short. The update: nothing new. Still nothing on the horizon. Why, you ask? Check out the title of this post. I. Am. Awkward. Horrifically so. Allow me to list a few experiences to illustrate. (I like lists because they're logical and organized. It's nice.)

1. Once upon a time, I was trying to flip my hair in a sexy way. I was leaning against a door while attempting this. I did not succeed in flipping in my hair in a sexy way, but I did succeed in smacking my head against the door and making everyone around me laugh.

2. A (very attractive) boy was drinking out of my water bottle, prompting me to make a face. He told me not to pretend I didn't like it, and I answered (rather wittily, I thought), "Yeah, now I have your DNA. I can clone you!" Well. That didn't go over quite as well as I thought it would. I laughed, because I thought it was funny. That's why I said it. He stared at me for a full minute and then said, "That was sort of creepy." Hmm. Too bad.

3. I was recently at a bridal shower for one of my old roommates. There was a lot of food there, most notably chili and cornbread. Then her aunt brought out what looked like a bowl of mashed potatoes. It was sort of a smallish bowl, considering how many people were there, but I didn't think much of it--I was excited for mashed potatoes. I asked one of my other roommates who was there, "Are those mashed potatoes?" and she answered in the affirmative. So I took a big scoop and then decided I couldn't wait to get some potatoes in my mouth. I took a giant bite. And then I discovered it was not mashed potatoes. No, instead, it was honey butter. You know, for the cornbread? So there I was, a giant wad of honey butter on my tongue, and I didn't know what to do. Should I spit it out? That's gross. Should I swallow it? That's also gross. But there were many people around me, many people I did not know and was not comfortable with, and I panicked, so, next thing I knew, my esophagus was contracting and a mouthful of honey butter was sliiiiiiding on down. So gross.

4. Our ward had a talent show a little while back, and there was pizza afterward. My FHE brother was standing by the pizza, and I wanted to congratulate him on his super awesome performance. Somehow, I gesticulated so emphatically that I actually managed to flip over a box of pizza at him. Luckily, I caught most of the pizza, but it was still embarrassing. His eyes got all wide and I believe he said something to the effect of, "Ahhhh, whoa whoa whoa!" Later, when my roommates and I left, I noticed I had pizza sauce all over both sleeves.

5. All semester, I have had a semi-secret half-crush on a boy in two of my classes. At the beginning of the semester, I was accidentally rude to him, so he doesn't really like me or talk to me. We were walking past each other in the carrels. I was deep in thought, really contemplating super important things. (To be exact, I was thinking about what I was going to eat for dinner when I got home.) I didn't really notice when he said very cheerily, "Ready for contracts?!" I sort of grunted at him and kept walking. He hasn't tried talking to me since. This is actually something that happens semi-often to me--people think I'm kind of mean, but really I'm just sort of lost in my own head somewhere and don't realize that they're talking to me until after the moment's passed, or I don't realize whatever I'm doing is rude. The thing is, being a sociology major doesn't mean I understand social norms or mores--it just means I know what those are and why they're important for society. I don't relate to other people all that well, and sometimes I'm downright flabbergasted by what's an acceptable interaction and what's not. You might say I'm sort of like an alien. Or I might say that, because I kind of like the idea. (Another weird quirk for another time...)

So there you have it. While these stories are entertaining, they also show how incredibly not smooth I am. I have this grand dream that someday a boy will find my awkwardness hilariously endearing. I'll trip over my own feet and he'll smile and say, "You're cute." I'll say something slightly creepy and he'll laugh because he understands my sense of humor. Hopefully, he'll see me about to take a giant bite of honey butter and rescue me before I put it in my mouth or after I say something rude he'll explain ever so gently, "That was rude, dumbo. Normal humans don't like to be told they're wrong every second of every day." Think of how my life will improve when this man enters it! I hope he exists or can be conjured up some time soon. I say conjured up because I am not opposed to magic. Or if they invent some of kind robot humans, I could handle that. Obviously an actual human male would be the most ideal, but I'm keeping my options open just in case.

Teeter Totter

Lately, I have felt like I'm on a teeter totter of emotion. I first started law school feeling very intimidated, scared, and anxious, because at orientation I felt like everyone was smarter than I am and I was out of my league. But then classes started and suddenly I realized...hey, this is school. I'm good at school. I can do this. And I like it.

And then came last week. I'm not really sure what was going on--the work wasn't really any harder than it has been, there wasn't more of it or anything like that--but suddenly I desperately HATED law school. Actually, hate isn't even the right word. I was despondent. I was reading a case, noticing the citations and realizing the work I was doing (and cursing) in my writing class was never going to end. That's part of being a lawyer. And I suddenly found myself on tearing up in the library, because as I pictured myself doing all that work and being a lawyer and arguing cases in court...I did not want to do that. All I wanted to see myself doing was being married and having kids.

I'm not saying wanting to be married and having kids is a bad thing. It is, however, a bad thing to realize you don't want to be a lawyer, not even a little bit, when you are in law school. It was like a quarter-life crisis (thank you, John Mayer, for the terminology) and it honestly left me in tears. In the law library. The hopelessness carried through the whole week, making me more susceptible to frustration when I didn't understand a case or when my teacher sprang last-minute extra readings on us.

I got a paper back from my T.A. that was just ripped apart. Almost every sentence had something crossed out or added or a comment saying something like, "Good, not great." Then I got a paper back from my teacher that got a "check." The possible grades were check minus, check, and check plus. And I got a check. On a paper. That doesn't happen to me. It meant I was "right where I was supposed to be" on the paper. But I wasn't exceeding. And then I wanted even more to quit. Why go through all that awful, stressful work if I didn't even want to be a lawyer?

I spent a week on the verge of tears at every moment I did anything school-related. Even if it wasn't hard, I didn't want to do it. I didn't know what to do. Drop out? I'm already tens of thousands of dollars in debt. What would I do if I drop out? I'm not really qualified in anything. Cue more hopelessness. Other stuff, non-school stuff, was going on at the same time to make me wonder, "Why is everything falling apart at the same time? I can't do this!"

And then today I realized...yeah, I can. I don't know where or how this epiphany came. All I know is I was in the library, working on my paper after finishing my reading for contracts and property, listening to some David Archuleta (don't judge), and the hopelessness was gone. I finished the section of my paper I was working on, sent it to my T.A., and left, and as I walked home, I felt amazing. I felt like skipping. I have no idea where you came from, renewed love for law school, but I'm glad you're here. Please won't you stay a while? Maybe...another 2 and a half years? Thanks.

In other news, I went to Rexburg this weekend. It was splendid, despite some minor old-roommate-holding-hands-with-boy-I-like drama. (Nothing I'm not used to at this point.) I think I should probably stop visiting Rexburg so often, because it is not getting easier to leave. I get a stomachache when I think of how I don't live there any more. I'm such a wuss. And a slow adjuster. However, what I should do and what I will do are not the same. I have no intention of reducing my Rexburg visits. I love that place.

My life is really not terribly exciting. I mean, it is to me, because it's my life and I like it--quite a bit, really--but I don't go on wild adventures or have admirers fawning over me at every turn. But I get to learn a ton and laugh a lot and I'm happy. :)

Law School Faves

So, I'm in law school now. I actually have been for two weeks, plus three days of orientation. I have been told 6 billion times that I should be proud to be there, that the people I've met are going to be my life long best friends, that I should not forget my life exists despite how much work I have to do, and that stare decisis means we follow precedent, which I already knew. Anyway, here are my top 5 fave things so far.

5. Wearing shorts to class. I realize this isn't law-school specific, but it is for me. At one point, I had decided I wouldn't ever wear shorts on campus out of loyalty for my BYU-I roots. But then I got here and it was 6 billion degrees, and I thought of all those times I hiked it up to the Ricks snugly in my jeans and close-toed shoes and sweated profusely, and I thought to myself...well, it doesn't mean I don't love BYUI less if I wear shorts. And now I get to enjoy a cool breeze without worrying about the wind taking my skirt away like a paper bag.
Downside: The law building is freezing. Walking to class feels nice, but I run the risk of hypothermia for the 9 or so hours I'm inside.

4. The nerd aspect. All my life, I've had a tendency to be the nerdiest person in any given room. I've been submitted to blank stares (at best) when I bring up logical fallacies and open hostility when I use facts to prove others wrong. But suddenly I came to law school and almost everyone is nerdy! When I express my doubt over the soundness of someone's logic, I get a logical argument back. It makes my nerd heart squeal with glee.
Downside: I am getting nerdier by the day.

3. It makes sense to me. I'm not going to lie, I was incredibly intimidated and frustrated after orientation. I felt inadequate and stupid. Then classes started and my teachers talked and I read and...it was school. Sure, there's more reading, and the fact that my teachers use the Socratic method incites me to actually do said reading, but it's the same basic principles. Read. Write. Go to class. I happen to be a very proficient reader, so I'm doing fine.
Downside: I'm worried I'm going to find out I'm not doing as fine as I think I am.

2. Being done with all my responsibilities by about 6:00 every night. I've never not had a job while going to school, so I've always had work contending with my classes and homework, meaning I often neglected my homework in favor of socializing or sleeping. The American Bar Association doesn't allow 1L's (first year law students) to hold jobs (or take classes outside the law classes, such as biological anthropology, not that I'm bitter) so they can focus on law school. It's kind of awesome doing all my homework after class and then going home and doing whatever I want. So far, this has meant vegging on my butt in front of the TV. Turns out "Friends" is on every day at 6.
Downside: I am poor and owe the government money.

And my number one all time favorite...
I get my own study carrel! BYU Law gives every student a key to their very own (rented) cubicle in the library, with drawers and cupboards that lock and is especially assigned to one student and one student only. I LOVE IT. I am super nerdy; this has been established. (See fave #4 above.) Having my own space, set aside especially for me and especially for studying, is practically heaven. I get to leave my books there and any other study tools I use. I seriously love it way too much.
Downside: All 3 people in the carrels immediately surrounding me are married men. We do not socialize. I do my work and that's that. I ignore the laughter and happiness coming from other sections of the study carrels.

Decisions

I have to make a decision on where to go to law school. Like, now. Actually more like last week. But I keep putting it off because I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO. BYU is obviously a very logical choice. I have family there, I have friends there, it is a great school, and it is AMAZINGLY cheap. However. It turns out being a woman is getting me very far. I am getting accepted to schools better than BYU. So far I haven't gotten into any that are crazy better, but just a few spots higher-ranked. I'm just waiting to hear back from Indiana (ranked 27 or 26 or maybe 28?), and then I'll make my decision. (Before I was "just waiting to hear back from Arizona" before I made my decision. Notice a trend? I'm a champion procrastinator.) I set the deadline for myself that if I don't hear back from Indiana by March 25th I am going to commit to BYU.

I'm also trying to decide which type of law I want to pursue. Originally, I thought I wanted to do family law, and I haven't exactly ruled it out, but lately I've been looking more at criminal prosecution or international human rights. It sounds very impressive, doesn't it? I have to admit I work it into conversation whenever possible because I like sounding smart. Yes, I am pathetic. No, it doesn't bother me much.

Decisions of other kinds...well I don't have many. Daily, I curse the decision of what to wear in the morning. I usually go with jeans and a sweatshirt because I am tired and it is cold and why bother looking cute when I cover it all up with 3 jackets anyway? Deciding what to eat is actually not much of a hassle, because I never buy food, so options are limited. I hate grocery shopping. I'm not a starving college student because I'm poor; I'm a starving college student because I'm lazy. Ridiculous.

It's warming up! But it's still cold. And it will probably snow at least two more times before it's really spring. I don't understand why people are so worried about global warming. All the polar bears could just move to Rexburg and be fine. In fact, I frequently wish global warming would speed up so it will hit Idaho. Is that bad?